home automation: personal assistant

i need a person who will manage everything at home, i think i am going to call her my virtual assistant svetlana, well anyhow back to main issue, i need her to be able to download news etc from rss feeds based on my preferences and then have it converted into mp3 for me to listen while going to work.
she should also read out news to me when i am in the shower or dressing up, ofcourse she could also play music i like.
she should keep track of birthdays and weddings, my meetings, my appoinmenets, trips.
she shoudl search for good deals and intimate me
take voice mail, and deliver it to me appropriately, either convert it to text and email them to me, or page me if urgent
order groceries, pay bills etc
no no i am not talking about a wife wash iron fuck etc, but that would be a nice name vwife, anyhow before i get beaten up by the girls, I need the computer software to be able to manage all the mundane things in life, and leave me to have more fun, its not too far away and I think it can be possible with the present tools we have, its just about brining this all together. I had a conversation with my friend greg ball about this long ago, he had similar ideas, lets see what he does, but there is room for an all encompasing architecture here