Tempered Spirit

I saw american beauty yesterday night, a beautiful movie. That set me thinking, what would I miss the most if I died right now, for a person who always lived for the moment, with a slogan of "no regrets" I have many regrets. I wish I had spent more time with my brother, more time with my parents and my relatives. I wish I had done more in terms of career money fame sports and love. I think I fight less now than before, I submit to the world as if I were a tempered spirit. Where is the boy with the dreams gone away, where are the high hopes, where are the dreams and ideals I fought for. Where is the boy who challenged the world, where is the that boy.........

We start of life as a sponge soaking everything. We are the little child devouring the world with all the senses it has; touch, sight, sound, taste and smell. All the receptors work over time, imbibing all they can. a We were the same person asking questions, questioning everything, why is the sky blue, who is that guy, why do we goto temple, where did I come from, why is she old, what is death, why should I drink milk, when willI get my own car, how does that work............ As we grow up we lose that inquisitiveness, the feeling of "there is no use in finding that out" sets in. I dont know what we do afterwords. Zombie life is what I call it, from the no rules world of children, we submit to all the rules society places on us. See but dont touch, touch but dont taste, taste but dont feel, and while we are jumping from one foot onto another, somebody out there is laughing their sick head off. Maybe things become more complicated, and things just stop making sense. Somebody could explain the fourier laplace transform and for the life of me it woudnt change one neuron in my body. The feeling "I am not cut out for those things" sets in, maybe I am not supposed to be an einstien, maybe I cannot be a Jordan, maybe I cant be the seceretary genral of UNO. Am I doomed to walk around with an amputated spirit, making conquests which simple dont matter......

There are so many things I wish I would be doing, writing my book of short stories, writing songs, writing poetry, making music, dancing, playing sports, researching genes, writing the enxt killer app, re-defining science politics philosophy religion ethics and love. what a waste life has been in those regards. Nothing has been pursued to perfection
more later