Arranged Marriage
what is arranged marriage, a concept many are so amazed by. They ask "you mean, you will just meet this girl and marry her, agree to spend the rest of your life with her. You going to trust your parents to find you a bride......... ridiculous man, go find your own partner, get to know her, learn about her and then marry her, gooosh this is the 21st century, grow uppp dont be a loser".
Well I for one have the utmost respect for arranged marriages (if you are a single girl and reading this, disregard the above line, email me maybe we can work things out). I said respect, respect in the sense, I accept it as a decent option to find ones life partner, not endorse it as the only correct way to get married.
Arranged marriage in the simple sense consists of your parents searching high and low to find the girl/guy they think will be suitable for you and then convincing you that she is the one, arranging meetings with her, pressuring you to accept her and then print the invitation cards and washing their hands of you forever by pronouncing you man and wife. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Arranged marriages have progressed since the old ages, in its present iteration it is actually a very good preposition. When it first started off parents would match, and nobody else had any other say whatsoever. You actually met your spouse on the day of the marriage (my great grand parents / grand parents) and that was it. In its next interation you got to have a few words with each other and talk to each other for some time, though this wasnt enough to say you liked the person you met, you could veto something if you felt uncomfortable but the parents still had a big say (my parents generation).
In present iteration parents act more like introducers, they get you in touch with a girl they feel will be good for you, you then actually go out with the girl for a few, and in a short (emphasis on short) while decide among each other weather you want to spend the rest of your life together. This is nothing different from what you would do if you met a girl through a mating oops(ch) matching website.
So essential charecteristics of arranged marriage are, parents choosing based on their factors, short period to decide and kaboom marriage.
What many people are against are the criteria parents choose for finding matches for their kids. These factors are usually, family, status, religion, caste, education, wealth etc. Its far less to do with the personality of the girl/guy than to do with the family values, where many might argue that it is the girl/guy you will spend the life with not the family. But all things said and done, a person is more likely to be a reflection of their family values than what they are growing up among their friends. In the long run, nothing can replace a strong family upbringing, I see nothing wrong with the hypothesis that a decent child bought up by decent parents will in a majority of cases turn out to be good, otherwise if you are in the unlucky minority that got screwed, as my mother says, its your karma, you have to live with it.
I think arranged marriages receives a lot of flack due to its adherence to caste, religion and status values. That is true, but one must also consider that it is always difficult for different cultural values to mix especially if they are in the opposite without having atleast one member seriously compromise, and everytime there is a major compromise I belive its a fault or fissure waiting to break open. If one person is very rich and other poor, then their lifestyles are different, if one is a complete vegetarian and other loves meat, if one believes in traditional festivals and other is of a different religion and doesnt care. I am not saying its a recipe for disaster, some of the happiest couples I know are virtual opposites, but there are more reasons to break than stay together. Like anna karina says, all happy families have things in common, but unhappy families are each unhappy for different reasons. I guess arranged mariages are more pessimistic and hence conservative in their approach in this regard.
Another point of concern is the decision window, how much time is ok, well my take on this is, unless you live in with someone, for atleast a year any other time period doesnt help. Its only when people are thrown together to tackle life together that their actual personalities come out. Its easy when thigns are good, vacations are easy, no children to have a happy married life, but only when there are problems does the true strength of the marriage come out and no amount of gestation period could give one the taste of that. But still the question of more you know about the other person, the less suprises once married is a good supposition. But arranged marriage people say, marriage is a compromise (why compromise) and as long as you adjsut and go along everything will be fine.
I dont personally care which way the bride arrives, she drops from the gods into my lap, parents put her in a box and mail her to me, or I am struck by the true lightning of love at first sight or maybe come to love someone. But it sure is a strange concept, this marriage, and it sure is interesting as to how it is morphing and will continue to morph in its inception.
Well I for one have the utmost respect for arranged marriages (if you are a single girl and reading this, disregard the above line, email me maybe we can work things out). I said respect, respect in the sense, I accept it as a decent option to find ones life partner, not endorse it as the only correct way to get married.
Arranged marriage in the simple sense consists of your parents searching high and low to find the girl/guy they think will be suitable for you and then convincing you that she is the one, arranging meetings with her, pressuring you to accept her and then print the invitation cards and washing their hands of you forever by pronouncing you man and wife. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Arranged marriages have progressed since the old ages, in its present iteration it is actually a very good preposition. When it first started off parents would match, and nobody else had any other say whatsoever. You actually met your spouse on the day of the marriage (my great grand parents / grand parents) and that was it. In its next interation you got to have a few words with each other and talk to each other for some time, though this wasnt enough to say you liked the person you met, you could veto something if you felt uncomfortable but the parents still had a big say (my parents generation).
In present iteration parents act more like introducers, they get you in touch with a girl they feel will be good for you, you then actually go out with the girl for a few, and in a short (emphasis on short) while decide among each other weather you want to spend the rest of your life together. This is nothing different from what you would do if you met a girl through a mating oops(ch) matching website.
So essential charecteristics of arranged marriage are, parents choosing based on their factors, short period to decide and kaboom marriage.
What many people are against are the criteria parents choose for finding matches for their kids. These factors are usually, family, status, religion, caste, education, wealth etc. Its far less to do with the personality of the girl/guy than to do with the family values, where many might argue that it is the girl/guy you will spend the life with not the family. But all things said and done, a person is more likely to be a reflection of their family values than what they are growing up among their friends. In the long run, nothing can replace a strong family upbringing, I see nothing wrong with the hypothesis that a decent child bought up by decent parents will in a majority of cases turn out to be good, otherwise if you are in the unlucky minority that got screwed, as my mother says, its your karma, you have to live with it.
I think arranged marriages receives a lot of flack due to its adherence to caste, religion and status values. That is true, but one must also consider that it is always difficult for different cultural values to mix especially if they are in the opposite without having atleast one member seriously compromise, and everytime there is a major compromise I belive its a fault or fissure waiting to break open. If one person is very rich and other poor, then their lifestyles are different, if one is a complete vegetarian and other loves meat, if one believes in traditional festivals and other is of a different religion and doesnt care. I am not saying its a recipe for disaster, some of the happiest couples I know are virtual opposites, but there are more reasons to break than stay together. Like anna karina says, all happy families have things in common, but unhappy families are each unhappy for different reasons. I guess arranged mariages are more pessimistic and hence conservative in their approach in this regard.
Another point of concern is the decision window, how much time is ok, well my take on this is, unless you live in with someone, for atleast a year any other time period doesnt help. Its only when people are thrown together to tackle life together that their actual personalities come out. Its easy when thigns are good, vacations are easy, no children to have a happy married life, but only when there are problems does the true strength of the marriage come out and no amount of gestation period could give one the taste of that. But still the question of more you know about the other person, the less suprises once married is a good supposition. But arranged marriage people say, marriage is a compromise (why compromise) and as long as you adjsut and go along everything will be fine.
I dont personally care which way the bride arrives, she drops from the gods into my lap, parents put her in a box and mail her to me, or I am struck by the true lightning of love at first sight or maybe come to love someone. But it sure is a strange concept, this marriage, and it sure is interesting as to how it is morphing and will continue to morph in its inception.
posted by adarsh adarsh at 9:52 PM
1 Comments:
Hey Adarsh,
went through the whole philosophy infact thanks for this whole article. I can use it word to word to justify my stand. I was running shory of them and couldnt come to a conclusion how to convince my parents in future
Post a Comment
<< Home